InsaneJournal

What I think is wrong and what I can do to fix it
Stopping and starting and stopping and starting, coming back to read all these false starts.

Look. I've gained back all the weight I lost. I'm happier in some ways, unhappier in others. I don't really have another outlet to talk about stuff like this, so I just type it to myself in here.

1. I hate diet rhetoric.
I hate it. I hate fatsecret.com - I think it's a good idea in theory but I hate diet rhetoric and I hate the obsession with the scale. I don't want to be thin, I want to be myself. And I feel like "myself" is about 200 pounds, not 240. I felt happy and confident and because I was so fucking obsessed with the scale and getting under that weight, I stressed myself out and caused myself harm. And I hate that I did that.

You know what else I hate? Everything on TV. Every ad that tells a thin woman she's not thin enough, every ad that tells a woman she has to skip food to have that dessert, or oh hee-hee look how bad she's being eating that cake-flavored yogurt ... it's upsetting. It makes me hate myself, and that's exactly what it wants me to do. I'm so angry. I am an angry fat girl, like thousands of other angry fat girls. Want to know why fat girls are angry? That's why. Discrimination and shaming and this sick media obsession with telling women they aren't good enough. We could be off ruling the world but instead we're curled up in corners at home crying about how our pants fit. And as much as I know this and want to rebel against it, years of socialization and constant pressure can't disappear. It affects me. It hits me hard.

2. My self worth is tied to my body image.
I've been called vain in the past, for being really careful about how I look. But I feel worthless if I have to go out the door looking less than my best. I have to look as thin as possible, as pretty as possible, like somehow people will forget I'm fat because I wore these stripes or that color. Anything that's uncomfortable will distract me all day. If my hair isn't perfect I will literally be on the verge of tears. I know this is a problem. I can't fix it.

3. I think I have binge eating disorder / compulsive overeating disorder.
I've been throwing this around for a while and I keep pushing it aside. I got really involved with HAES and fat acceptance and just said "screw it" and started eating whatever I wanted. Which sounds great, but whatever I wanted meant all the things it shouldn't mean. I've been eating constantly because I feel like I can't stop. The moment I get bored or emotional I need to eat, and I need to eat CONSTANTLY. I eat until I'm sick. I hide food. At parties I graze and eat because I'd rather eat than interact. I promise myself I won't eat out anymore and a day later I'm back eating as much greasy pizza as I can stuff in my face, even after I stop being hungry, even after I know that I don't want anymore. I keep eating because it's there, because I made it or bought it and can't/won't save it for later.

And I've been fighting this, because I don't want to believe that it's a disorder. I don't want to admit that it's something that's wrong with me - because I'm rebellious and I want to believe that it's just me, being stupid, and that calling it a "disorder" makes me weak, or like I'm seeking attention, when really I'm just a fat girl who can't stop stuffing her face because she's fat. And not accepting it or deliberately not seeking treatment has me more stressed and more easily triggered. I'm denying my own personal needs and feelings because of how embarrassed I am, or my own judgment values of this kind of disorder - because I think if I have an eating disorder and I identify it as such, I'm denying acceptance of my fat self or the fat acceptance movement in general, and it's just another convenient (but less socially contrived) way of dieting. And then I think that BED/CE doesn't exist, because why shouldn't I eat constantly, my views about eating are just skewed by the media and images of control ANYWAY.

All of this just boils under the surface in me and causes these wildly conflicting viewpoints that leave me incapable of changing.

4. I bounce between being guilty and obsessive about weight loss to hating the idea altogether.
I swing between two extremes, and I realize that either way I swing, I'm still obsessed. Really obsessed. I can't just let it go, I can't just not care. I stopped dieting obsessively because it was stressing me out and I hated the bullshit, but I can't ever STOP thinking about food or what I'm going to eat next and when I can sneak a snack. This kind of crap runs my life.


I need to do something about all this. I just don't know what. And here's why:

1. If I journal my food intake and talk about losing weight, I get obsessive in a bad way and stop eating until I crack and binge.
2. If I don't, I eat nonstop and feel guilty and gain weight and feel terrible.

I think I need to shift this journal to document my eating not only for diet reasons but to document binge eating and overeating and pay attention to trends. Maybe if I go back to writing things down w/o measuring or mentioning calories I'll be able to figure out what helps and treat myself. Otherwise I need to seek help and 1) I can't afford it and 2) I hate doctors because of fat-shaming. I have to be really careful about seeking treatment and finding someone to help, because in the end someone could just make it worse.

And while this is public I don't think I'll be telling anyone about it. This is for me.


Right now, this is how I'm feeling: triggered and stressed. I need to go cry. But this is good. I'm evaluating my life and what's going on and what's wrong and what I can do. I think I might have to admit to needing help. I also need to talk to my partner - again. I did it before and then it just kind of slipped out of our minds and she has her own shit to deal with without dealing with me. I know I know I know my thinking is unhealthy. At least I know that.