Entry tags:

bed/ce, thoughts

List of BED/CE symptoms and signs from the Multiservice Eating Disorders Association in MA:

Eating large amounts of food when not physically hungry; bingeing or eating uncontrollably
Unable to stop eating voluntarily
Eating rapidly
Eating until feeling bloated or uncomfortably full
Eating alone
Hoarding or stealing food
Low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness
Intense guilt about eating
Depressed moods, mood fluctuations, impatience, irritability
Intense feeling of disgust with self
Loathing or hiding of the body under baggy clothes
Attributes social and professional successes/failures to weight gain/loss

That's the whole list. Every single one applies to me - not just in a "kind of" way but in a way I strongly identify with. And I don't know why I'm so reticent to admit that I have a problem. I don't want attention? I don't want to be the fat girl who has no willpower? I don't want to think I'm a special snowflake trying to diagnose myself on the internet? I've been to several sites, with all different lists and quizzes and diagnostics, and I still feel the same way. "Yeah, I feel intense guilt about eating, but... doesn't everyone?" "Sure, I eat myself sick on a regular basis, but who doesn't?" "Sure, I feel like I can't stop eating, but I just like to eat, so what?"

I want help. I need help. I'm scared to ask for it, scared to be told I'm wrong - because if it's NOT BED/CE, then where do I go from there? And I'm scared of admitting to a disorder. BED/CE is embarrassing.