I binged last night. It wasn't as bad as it could have been but it definitely wasn't great. Jen had Rachele over and I was stressing out from the day's work and because of tomorrow's work and I just wanted to go to bed and the shower had been dyed red because Rachele dyed Jen's hair and I just ate and ate and I feel like I undid my careful eating for the week. I know there's no "undoing" but it's getting to be that time of the summer where I appear in photographs and I just look like this big, hulking monster in them.

It's hot and uncomfortable and I ate all kinds of junk last night and kept going long after other people were finished. I just wanted to be alone and I feel like I was rude.

It's really hard to be kind to my body today. I want to be nicer and more forgiving but when it comes to photos of me I have panic attacks. However good I thought I looked, it's all undone once a picture is taken. Back when I'd been around 200 pounds instead of 240, I was largely comfortable in most pictures. Now I feel like crying. And I wish it wasn't that way, but it is.