Weighty Kaity

All right, I admit it. I had some chocolate tonight from Christmas. No big deal! And then I had two leftover slices of flatbread.

And then an hour later I ate the other three slices.

And that's okay, it was tomato sauce and veggies on a crust, so I wasn't feeling bad, even if it was at 11 at night.

But then at 1 AM, my bro comes downstairs and makes ... gingerbread poptarts. And the smell fills the downstairs and it smells so good... that by 1:30 AM, I pop the last two suckers into the toaster and eat them. By the way, they are gingerbread pop tarts full of icing. And inexplicably, they're printed with little pictures of alien babies skiing and snowboarding. And hey, no dairy! Win win! Full of chemicals but no dairy. So sort of lose.

They were disgusting.

They smelled so good I couldn't resist and then I tried them and they were so sticky-sweet I had to run upstairs and brush my teeth right after. Sticky and fake and gross and I ... ate both of them. Did I feel bad for making them when Kellen would have eaten them and then not eating them myself? I almost gave them to Kellen right now but instead I ate them and then felt really super bad and gross and guilty and then brushed my teeth. And I still feel sticky. Let me remind myself to never do this again. x.x There's a reason Kellen and I don't eat the same foods.

That's my problem right now ... eating at night. I can eat well all day, and then somehow, 10 o'clock rolls around and I am prone to just snack and eat and snack and eat. And if I start eating, I have a problem stopping. Which is fine if I'm eating vegetables, but it could be ANYTHING. I think I just like the feeling of eating and the taste, and I want it to last a long time... so I eat more instead of just eating really slowly. I don't know. I just. Eating at night is always my problem and now I feel all gross.

But I won't do it again. No more gingerbread poptarts. Ew. I feel so. So sick.

I'm really worried about my brother, and I desperately wish that he'd be willing to talk to someone.

My eye-rolling irritation with how he eats has changed to something like abject horror after several days of watching BBC's You Are What You Eat. His entire repertoire of food consists of pizza, cheese quesadillas, mozzarella sticks, chips, Coca Cola, fast food burgers and fries, soft pretzels, cookies, pork rinds, Kool Aid, and anything else that's as full of chemicals, empty calories, and over-processed junk as possible. I was always really angry that he was thinner than me with a diet like that, but I'm starting to notice the weight gain... bad skin, stringy hair----which is really noticeable because his hair's down to the middle of his back. I don't know if he eats a LOT, but the problem is less how much he eats and more WHAT he eats... the only meat he'll eat is a fast food burger or chicken nuggets, and the closest thing he'll get to a vegetable is an onion ring, and even then he's bitching about how there should be less onion and more batter. I genuinely think he's so addicted to the chemicals, flavor enhancers, salt, and sugar in the food he eats that he can't bring himself to eat anything real.

He was always a picky eater as a child (so was I), but because of that, people were always pressing him to try new things and always watching how and what he ate... so now he refuses to let anyone watch him eat except on very rare occasions. He hates talking about the food he eats, hates being encouraged to eat other things... I like pizza, I like mozzarella sticks, I like chips and soft pretzels and stuff, but that's far from EVERYTHING I eat. Eating like this will kill him.

Part of me thinks I should mind my own business, and I've tried to bring it up to my mother multiple times.. and she seems to know that it's wrong and worthy of concern but it's all "don't talk about it" and she continues to buy stuff for him that's bad for him just because that's all he'll eat.

Let's stop and let me clarify: I'm 22 and my brother is 20, and yes, we both live at home. I graduated college and lived in an apartment for a while but moved back home to save money for a while. I have a job as an instructor/performer with Mad Science of Western New England. My brother dropped out of high school at 17 after a long, long battle with the school system about learning disabilities and anxiety disorders, etc. He's never lived away from home, has never had a job, and only got his GED a few months ago. He does not know how to cook for himself, do his own laundry, or handle a bank account----because he doesn't have a bank account. He's up all night and sleeps most of the day, and spends 90% of his time in his tiny bedroom playing video games, watching tv, and hanging out with his girlfriend or his best friend who has a psychotic girlfriend who calls all the time while he's over. I rarely see him and my room is directly beside his. He has very low self-esteem and a lot of that has to do with the school situation, et cetera, but I think if he ate better, he'd start to feel better.

I'm scared for him and it's not like I want to convert him into a health freak. I just want to get him healthy, and mom's avoidant "don't bother him about it" attitude is very unlike her----and leads me to believe that she's tried and failed several times. My brother can't change unless he wants to change, but I don't think he realizes that his food actually, y'know, might AFFECT HIS HEALTH.