Weighty Kaity

I feel like all I do in this journal is write "I'm gonna start this up again soon." And that was all well and dandy when I was eating relatively well, but the fact of the matter is, I've fallen into a place where my schedule and my new living arrangements----and my budget----have really jacked my healthy lifestyle. It's a slipperier slope than I thought it would be. I splurge one day, and then I make excuses for the next, and the next, and then I'm gaining weight. Not only am I gaining weight, but I'm feeling gross.

It's not that we can't afford produce. We can afford it. We can afford produce more readily than we can afford processed foods. However, we don't go through it as fast. I don't know why, but some of it goes bad before we finish eating it. I don't know if we buy too much or we just buy the wrong stuff or I ignore it.. I think I ignore it. I'm convinced that I need to eat on the go, that I don't have time to just pack up some fruit and take it with me, that I don't eat it. I say "I'll have a salad tomorrow" when I really want a salad TODAY.

And it's not that I don't LIKE the healthy food I eat. I like it. Usually I even prefer it. I've just fallen into a place again where Kraft mac and cheese and ... chocolate Hostess treats ... seem easier. Eating candy satisfies some kind of a quick craving, and then I get sick afterward. This is just how it used to be and I'm kind of hating on myself for it, especially because I'd gone vegan for a year and found real success with it. I don't know if I have the heart to do it again. When I started, I was real fired up. Starting again seems so hard.

At the same time, going vegan isn't my goal. My goal is going back to the good and healthy habits I had before. I'm not just scared of weight gain. I'm scared of losing my health and getting ill. Eating like this does nothing but depress me and make me lazy and lethargic. I know a good part of it is that I'm busy with work, but I'm not making a lot of money. Jen and I are adjusting to living on our own and the apartment is so tiny that the mess accumulates fast. Very often there are dirty dishes in the sink or pots that aren't clean, and therefore cooking seems like an impossible idea. I've cooked more often in the last few months than I have the rest of the year, so it's a start. I just want to make it a regular thing. It's not hard to toss a goddamn salad together. It's just as easy as putting together a bowl of cereal. Making Kraft mac and cheese is just as easy as making a healthier pasta dish.

Also? Jen and I eat out at Uno's. A lot. A lot. It's our favorite place, largely because we have a really good rapport with one of the managers and several members of the wait staff. They're like friends. We spend too much money there. I spend too much money there. I can't afford to keep doing that, I don't have enough money.

Maybe I'm just overemotional right now but I think a lot of my bad habits are tied to emotions. When I'm stressed or depressed or celebrating or ANYTHING, I find an excuse to eat, and eat badly. I eat what's easy when I'm on the go. And as a result, I feel... miserable. The OMG FOOD high lasts while I eat, and then I just beat myself up afterward. Right now I'm in a slump. The apartment stays clean for about two seconds no matter how we might organize it, Jen still has boxes that haven't been unpacked and we have no place to put the stuff that's in there. We don't have money to afford organizers. We don't have money to afford anything. I barely make enough money at my job, Jen still doesn't have a job... and the stresses of living this life----happy together as we may be----are causing my eating habits to fall by the wayside. They aren't my focus anymore. Budgeting is my focus now, and I have to figure out how to marry the two.

Almost, Maine rehearsals start mid-December. My goal was to get down to a size 14. I don't want to be the fat one in the cast, and I already feel like the director would rather not have me in the show----that's not true at all, I just am so intimidated. I don't think I'll make that goal but I need something to hang onto. I'm actually rather happy with my size... or I was, until I gained this weight. It's not that noticeable, and I haven't checked a scale, but it feels gross. I just... feel bad. I have to be in shape.

I've been pretty bad recently. I've recently discovered that I'm addicted to Pringles in the worst way. Other than that I've been cheating with dairy and cheese here and there but I've avoided drinking milk. I've been sick for about a week and a half and as a result my eating habits have been really poor. I'm determined to start fresh once I'm in my new apartment. I'll update better then :)

Ugh. Today I had my crash. A... controlled crash. I had some smiley potatoes for a very late dinner after rehearsal. I ate a lot less than I used to ... half a bag as opposed to a full bag. Oh God, how did I EVER eat a full bag? That's disguuuusting. I found out while I was eating them that I was eating fast after the third one or so. Just stuffing them in my mouth and not really tasting or enjoying or anything like that. I felt full after half of that and then kept eating 'cause I didn't want to leave them, or... something. So now I feel guilty. This is the feeling I want to avoid. I don't like feeling full or guilty or bad when I eat.

Had some Cheerios and a little piece of ciabatta other than the smiley potatoes. A very... tan day in terms of food. I need some color tomorrow.

Sometimes I need a slump to get reinspired again. These days I feel like I'm in a slump more than I'm successful. I'm really, really feeling... big right now. I don't know if it's just from being sick but I really feel just lumpy and awful. I'm really slacking in terms of what I'm eating and end up just eating and feeling guilty after, instead of eating it and loving it and NOT feeling guilty. So ... no more. Lindsay and Lauren! I'm seeing you tomorrow! Just because I'm on vacation, doesn't mean I can slack off!

All right, I admit it. I had some chocolate tonight from Christmas. No big deal! And then I had two leftover slices of flatbread.

And then an hour later I ate the other three slices.

And that's okay, it was tomato sauce and veggies on a crust, so I wasn't feeling bad, even if it was at 11 at night.

But then at 1 AM, my bro comes downstairs and makes ... gingerbread poptarts. And the smell fills the downstairs and it smells so good... that by 1:30 AM, I pop the last two suckers into the toaster and eat them. By the way, they are gingerbread pop tarts full of icing. And inexplicably, they're printed with little pictures of alien babies skiing and snowboarding. And hey, no dairy! Win win! Full of chemicals but no dairy. So sort of lose.

They were disgusting.

They smelled so good I couldn't resist and then I tried them and they were so sticky-sweet I had to run upstairs and brush my teeth right after. Sticky and fake and gross and I ... ate both of them. Did I feel bad for making them when Kellen would have eaten them and then not eating them myself? I almost gave them to Kellen right now but instead I ate them and then felt really super bad and gross and guilty and then brushed my teeth. And I still feel sticky. Let me remind myself to never do this again. x.x There's a reason Kellen and I don't eat the same foods.

That's my problem right now ... eating at night. I can eat well all day, and then somehow, 10 o'clock rolls around and I am prone to just snack and eat and snack and eat. And if I start eating, I have a problem stopping. Which is fine if I'm eating vegetables, but it could be ANYTHING. I think I just like the feeling of eating and the taste, and I want it to last a long time... so I eat more instead of just eating really slowly. I don't know. I just. Eating at night is always my problem and now I feel all gross.

But I won't do it again. No more gingerbread poptarts. Ew. I feel so. So sick.

My diet for the last week or so has been, yes, vegan, but very high in fat. I keep snacking on junk food and I'm not sure WHY. So I need to get back on the fast track, which... I am more than willing to do, because I've been sick for the last couple of days. Possibly unrelated, but still!

But. Let's forget I said that for a while. I made vegan cupcakes for my Mad Science kids. Tomorrow's launch day! It's also my last day of teaching camp for the summer. I wanted to celebrate. So I made these from scratch, sweetened with agave nectar instead of granulated sugar (due to an ACCIDENT but it's a happy accident). I'd bake with agave all the time but in large quantities it's considerably expensive... HOWEVER. If I don't bake that OFTEN it's a compromise I'd be willing to make! The stuff is awesome. :D

Okay. I need to get back into this before I go crazy. I'm starting the food diary again. I have to. I have to get back on track. I've been hovering at 210 because I haven't been taking care of my body or respecting it, and I've been incredibly depressed and self-conscious. I am proud of where I've come and I needed this to remind me of what I'm doing. I'm starting today, no excuses.

I'm upset about my clothes. Part of the problem is that I have a lot of laundry I need to do, but I feel like they don't flatter me anymore. I need new jeans but I'm not ready. I don't think I look good in smaller sizes yet. I'm... eh. Fuck it. I'm feeling horrible right now. I just need to calm down and let it all be. Just get back on track.

I'm not depressed ALL the time. I just feel depressed right now, and it's not just my weight, it's ALL KINDS of body issues coming up right now. I feel lazy and sluggish and disgusting because I have stuff to do that I haven't done. I just feel disgusting. I hate it.

Okay. So. I have not updated this in a good long time.

I left the food diary behind and thought that I could handle things without religiously watching everything that I do, but I don't think I'm at that point yet. The last two weeks have been horrible in terms of my eating habits. It's like everything's been thrown out the window and I've just been eating nonstop. Lots of unhealthy things. The schedule of the show is taking its toll on me and I'm just using that as an excuse to eat badly. My dad keeps buying frigging Hostess donuts and they're out on the counter and I find myself completely unable to resist them.

To be honest, I never thought I had any kind of addiction or problem or anything. I just figured I ate badly but had total control over it. I'm beginning to think that I don't. I don't want to take the blame off myself, but I'm realizing that my willpower is CONSIDERABLY less than I thought it was. I make excuses, I eat things with the intent that I'll get them out of my sight so I won't eat them LATER, I look at the calorie/fat content and am disgusted by it but then sit down and eat it all anyway only to beat myself up over it later. I eat something, and even if I'm not hungry, I feel the need to eat more and more, like I haven't balanced out my cravings. --Part of that, I know, is because I'm eating unhealthy sorts of things and my body is continuing to crave nutrients it's not getting, so I keep eating. I eat late at night when I'm not hungry just because I want to eat----usually I AM hungry around midnight, because that's like dinner for me with my current schedule (going to bed around 3 or 4 each night, waking up at 10:30/11). But last night I wasn't, and I ate a big bowl of canned clam chowder just... because. At two in the morning. It's also been incredibly wet and cold for the last couple of weeks. I've craved comfort food. And to me, comfort food is ... macaroni and cheese. Donuts. Cereal that I'll.. sit down and eat half a box of.

So maybe I do have some addiction issues. I don't know. I don't like how I've eaten over the last couple of weeks. I think that... I needed to, to jumpstart myself again, to learn some things about myself and how to keep them in line. While during my down time at the theater I've been writing out new plans for how to continue. I haven't had as much energy these days, I've been out of breath despite my activity levels being the same and despite my weight loss---and my health, too. In the last two weeks I've really noticed that decline in energy and health because of my eating habits. I NEEDED to feel the difference in my body to know that this is still worth doing.

I knew going in that hitting 210 was going to be my plateau point, and I think my subconscious is rebelling because I'm scared to continue. I don't really know what's underneath all this, I've built a massive portion of my identity on being overweight, and so once I get down to a point where... I haven't been UNDER such a weight in so long, it starts to get scary. 210 is by no means skinny. I feel thinner than I am (which.. always makes me cringe in photographs). But I have to keep going because that's what I need to do for myself. I want a different experience. I want guilt-free foods and foods that will leave me feeling energized rather than weighed down. A treat is fine every once in a while, to satisfy a craving, but a treat's no longer any good if that's what I'm eating all the time just because it's THERE. Healthier foods make me feel just as good in-that-instant as unhealthy foods do. I get just as much pleasure out of fresh pineapple as I do macaroni and cheese----and I don't feel guilty after.

So.. I made a grocery list and a list of new rules, taking my issues into account and tailoring my plans to suit how I feel at the moment and what I know I'm going to eat and what I won't end up eating, what my bad habits are. I'll write the rules/goals/plans up here later. For NOW, I am off to the grocery store to take my life back.

12:00 PM
• 1 tuna salad sandwich on potato bread (omega-3'sssssss)
• 1 large glass water

3:30 PM
• 1 bowl leftover shrimp scampi
• 1 glass 1% milk
• 1/2 large bowl of fruit salad (honeydew, cantaloupe, pineapple, grapes)

4:30 PM
• 2 servings bagel crisps
• 1 glass light chocolate soy milk

9:00 PM
• 1 tilapia filet
• 1 serving red potatoes
• 2 helpings broccoli
• 1 glass 1% milk

11:30 PM
• 3 plain strawberry poptarts (that's 630 miserable fucking calories, by the way)
• 1 glass 1% milk


Reflections: Am feeling better after I went to the grocery store yesterday. Lots of produce, lots of yogurt, and I'm back on the wagon. So I hope, anyway :D I'm tired of feeling bad and icky so I want to feel nice and good again. I can't wait for the pool to open. Just another month or so!

Okay... I still feel bad and icky. For the last two days I've had some incredibly crippling depression and I'm leaning toward emotional eating. I am so tired of feeling this way and I don't know what to do about it. It's only been two days but it's been so bad that it's felt like a week. I am miserable and oversensitive and crying. Constantly. I actually cried at Good Eats today because Alton was making thin & lacy chocolate chip cookies and I wanted one so badly. So badly that I cried, folks. Lindsay and Lauren, you remember my saltine meltdown when I worked at the bank. This is like the saltine meltdown. -_-

12:30 PM
• couple servings reduced-fat Triscuits
• 1 glass 1% milk

6:30 PM
• 3 thin thin slices Kerrygold swiss cheese
• 1 bite of an imported sweet olive oil torta, which immediately led to...

• 2 glasses 1% milk
• 6 tagalong-type cookies

8:30 PM
• 1 portion pan-roasted chicken
• 2 servings couscous
• 1 serving glazed carrots

10:00 PM
• lots of yellow watermelon

10:30 PM
• more peanut butter cookies :(
• 1 glass 1% milk

Reflections: OH MY GOD THE TORTA. TASTED LIKE PAINT. LITERALLY. It was the most disgusting thing I have EVER eaten in my life. Ever. And the taste still hasn't gone away. It still tastes like paint. It STILL tastes like paint.

Had too many cookies, but I got the craving out of the way and I'm ready to get back on the wagon. Take the good with the bad!

10:30 AM
• 1 small glass 1% milk

5:45 PM
• 3 bowls Rice Krispies w. 1% milk

9:00 PM
• large portion shrimp scampi
• 2 glasses 1% milk

1:30 AM
• couple servings pretzels w. nutella
• 1 glass % milk


Reflections: I ate WAAAAY to much at dinner and feel kind of sick, that's no good. :( Had a lot of milk today. Should not have had that snack. I felt sick and that's ... like old times. I don't want that happening again.

9:45 AM
• 1 bowl Kashi honey almond flax w. 1% milk
• 1 serving fresh pineapple

1:00 PM
• 1 1/2 servings whole wheat couscous made with organic chicken broth, milk, & spices
• 5 long cucumber spears

2:15 PM
• 1 large glass water
• 1/2 serving whole grain Goldfish

6:00 PM (the high fructose corn syrup, it burrnnssss)
• 2 bowls Rice Krispies w. 1% milk
• 1/2 cup regular applesauce (I had a whole cup and then I felt so guilty about the sugar content that I had to stop)

7:00 PM
• 2 Kashi waffles
• lots of grapes
• 1 large glass water

9:00 PM
• 1 handful Flat Earth chips

11:30 PM
• 1 serving whole grain Goldfish (EVIL! NUUUU)

Reflections: MAAAH

I snuck some Pringles late last night. In mentioning it I've written it down, I feel appropriately bad about it, and that won't be happening again. :) I can move on now.